Having an Affair

Having an affair is a question that almost all married people answer during the course of their marriage. Lets face it. When you met your spouse they seemed to be the only person on earth who understood you and accepted you for what you are.

Your future spouse had this cute habit, special look, or simply made you feel really good. Eventually you were married. You and your spouse also continued to mature. You met socially or worked with all types of new people in different situations.

A few years pass, maybe children arrive. You wake up one day and realize, “The thrill is gone”. There is nothing wrong with your relationship. What is wrong is the transition from a romantic first few years into a long term relationship.

Your faults and the faults of your Spouse faults are painfully obvious. Your spouse in particular isn’t as cute or handsome as they were, and to be truthful, those cute habits are really annoying.

Without warning someone shows up in your life who sparks your interest. They are fun and vibrant. They are mysterious and witty. They are everything your spouse was a few years ago.

They are sexually attractive and appealing to you. You may find yourself harmlessly flirting with each other. They see you the same way.

Soon, your life is upside down. This other person with all this appeal sees the very same excitement in you, which you find in them. Are you ready to jump into an affair? Are you ready to take the leap and throw caution to the wind? Get back into excitement and make life more fun? Forget the dull boring family life for a while?

Affairs have a lot of appeal from a high level. The idea of an affair is everything that led your marrying in the first place. Is there something so wrong with wanting to relive those times in your life when you were so happy, and life was so exciting?

The idea of an affair may feel exciting.

The idea of an affair may feel exciting.

I am not the person who tells you what the right answer is. I am the person who has seen friends and family members enter into an affair. I have seen the outcome of letting loose and recapturing those old feelings once again. Here is what I have observed.

If or when you make the decision to have an affair, the rules of the affair relationship change. You give up your right to say no. The other person wants more from you than a few minutes of sex, and a few brief tests or phone calls. They want more than you were willing to give.

What they want from you varies from person to person. Some people want to see you more than you are able to see them. Some people want a permanent relationship. In worst cases, some people want to destroy you, or your marriage and family.

What happens if you find yourself in one of these situations, where the other person wants more than you can give?  How are you going to manage your marriage, and your life? What will be the long term effect on your future? What will be the effect on your family? Will you have a future after divorce?

Setting everything above aside for a moment, will you like the person you see in the mirror every day? Will your friends and family see you in the same way as they did before your affair became public knowledge? Will they forgive or shun you?

What about your long term future? What will you tell the next person you want to enter into a relationship with? Will they want to be involved with you once they learn the reason you are single and broke?

In the real world, several people over your lifetime will find you attractive. Some will even fall in love with you. Being normal, the same thing will happen to you. Throughout your life you will find many people attractive. You may even fall in love with some of them.

We are people, we are not machines. Anyone who thinks they will never find another person attractive, or possibly fall in love another is fooling themselves. Our lives are made of relationships. How we deal with our relationships is what matters.

It is okay to find someone other than your spouse attractive. It is okay to accept that you have special feelings for someone. This is part of life, and how life works. What is not okay is forgetting your obligations and vows to those people already in your life.

Reality is, very few affairs have happy endings. Sooner or later, the rules change and the affair ends. Some affairs end quietly, and each person goes on living with their infidelity and secrets. More often, the affair becomes public knowledge, and people are hurt. Some people never recover from the experience.

Is an affair something you want to have? It is one thing to have a fantasy of how exciting it would be with this person. Everything would be like it was some years ago, new and exciting. It is quite another thing to give control of your life over to someone you really do not know by crossing a boundary and breaking marital oaths.

As always the phrase, “Look before you leap”, has more meaning than jumping across a puddle of water. What you could be doing is, “Taking a leap of faith”.