I am sitting here at work today. Yes, I too am one of the ‘lucky’ ones who gets to work both Christmas and New Years…thinking about the feeling of emptiness and how it applies to us.
Try as I might, I am not a good fit in many other peoples lives. I am the reason this is so. I can not blame it on anything else. I find freedom in emptiness, as selfish as that sounds, and I know it sounds selfish. That is selfish sounding once you go, “huh?”, and think about what I am trying to say.
It’s not that I have built up a wall around myself. I do not live as a hermit, I know hundreds of people on a first name basis, and most of them I consider friends.
Emptiness is not something I spent my life planning out, and am now basking in the fruit of my emptiness labors. Rather, emptiness has always been a part of my life. Until these last years however, emptiness was my enemy, and not my solice.
It took some time, a lot of time actually, to learn that what I want my life to be and what my life really is, are not on the same tangent, not even close. That is where emptiness comes in.
Emptiness is the void we all have inside of us; no matter how we pretend we are full, and life is really good, and every day we jump out of bed, get dressed, and have a full day of new and exciting experiences.
Some people, and I was one, kind of learn to cope with it. We think emptiness is a normal part of my life, and I can set it aside and it will be ok. The thing is, we can only avoid emptiness for so long. When something is missing, sooner or later, we are have to acknowledge the missing.
For myself, I was trying to live my life in one way and one direction, when my life was meant to be lived another way in another direction. Once I gave up on having it, “My Way”, things got really interesting.
Life became truly exciting! The void in me was filled. I did not have to ignore it or rationalize it away. There was no void that needed filling. It was like I woke up for the very first time living my life, and not the life that was programmed into me.
Everyday since then, life has been wonderful, well almost. There are a few days now and then when I think I have lost touch with the world. Now that is quite an irony. Feeling like am losing touch with something I never really had a firm grip on to start with until after the emptiness void was filled.
I wrote about the experience in my other blog over at venagozar.com. If you are interested, search for, “Dark Night of the Soul”. I believe that will lead you to other posts of the same vent.
Today and for some years, emptiness has been a blessing and a salvation, though it was hell on earth getting to that moment, where emptiness was not only okay, it was wonderful. It was not an easy feat, and many lose their sanity in the process.
I do recommend taking the trip to everyone however. Only most of us are so cocooned in our own version of what our life should be we do not allow ourselves the possibility, that maybe we have it all wrong.
In the mean time however, my life is full. I embrace emptiness as I embrace my own mortality for together they are the fruits of a good life, and not a single day ever feels wasted. Each day I relish the gifts that today has for me. Some days the gifts are slight. Most days the gifts are wonderful yet subtle.
Some days the gift of life overwhelms me, and I wonder if I can hold it all in. The feeling is like listening to the most moving music you have ever heard, while watching the greatest movie you ever watched, and being in love for the very first time, while holding the feeling of being deeply in love, all at the same time, with fourth of July fireworks thrown in.
It was hell taking that first step. It was a worse hell not taking that first step. I chose to believe that wherever I was going once I took that first step would not be any worse than where I was at that moment, the first step was an easy one. The following steps were where the real trials started.
I had my belief system turned inside out. Many things I knew were true were nothing more than fantasies of my self mirrored back at me. I found I was not alone, nor had I ever been alone.
I found along the way it was me who pretended he was alone, and not that the world had cut me off from its presence. I found a hundreds of other ideas and beliefs that I thought were set in stone, were really only illusions of my own creation. Some pills are harder to swallow than others.
I had to screw up my courage, take risks, and accept what was instead of what I thought I wanted, and the rest was a walk in the park, though I really would prefer not to do it all again.
So what is the real purpose of this post I bet you are wondering, hoping its not me proclaiming that I achieved the pinnacle which so many suffer and strive for? That is what I would be thinking as I read up to this moment.
It is my Christmas Wish for you, that if you have not yet moved past your own life illusions which are making you miserable, are enduring rather than enjoying your life, that you too find it in you to start on your own journey.
It’s not an easy matter to let go and take that first step. Nor should it be done lightly on a whim. Done properly when you reach the other side, and give yourself some time to adjust, you will agree it was well worth the fear, pain, and angst of letting go and taking that first step. Merry Christmas my friend.