Bathroom Faux Pas

To be honest I did not like my last post. I thought it was poorly written. It was dark. It jumped all over the place. It is not a mainstream topic. It was not wholesome or funny. It may have some educational value, but most people won’t take it seriously until after the fact.

Having an affair is something two people do on the sly, away from the light. They try to avoid anyone finding out what they are up to. When apart, they are ashamed of themselves and maybe each other. I don’t know, I am only guessing. I never had an affair, and never want to.

I have been thinking about what I haven’t written lately. Ideas that cross my mind, but never end up on electronic paper. Today in a daydreaming moment, I thought about a funny incident about going pee. The story not distasteful or at least I do not think it is. I think it is a funny story.

I am in the bathroom of this serious business type building. Everyone around me is dressed very business like. Ironed shirts, ties, suits, shiny shoes, mostly black.

I make my way to the Men’s <- keyword here, bathroom. When inside I am using a urinal. The urinals on each side of me are full. There may be five or so urinals, all filled with serious looking men in business attire, of which I am not one. It may have been right after lunch, or coffee break or something like that. At any rate, the urinals were all full, and there were a few men who finished their business as it were, at the sinks behind me.

For no reason whatsoever, I remembered being a little boy in the winter time with snow on the ground in the late afternoon or early evening. Those times were kind of magical as a kid. The snow kept everything in a kind of half light even though the sun may be down.

Anyway, I am thinking about when, as a child we kids would try to write our names in the snow with our pee. It was some mark of Kid-Dom, probably northern kids bucket list sort of thing. Something all boys who live in snow needed to try. Stand there with your friends and try to write your name in the snow. Of course some boys never managed the feat. For eight or ten year old boys in the winter it was badge of boyhood honor maybe.

As this thought is passing through my mind, my stream is splashing around the urinal. Kind of an unthinking movement from times long past. Certainly it was not the typical adult sound of a man going pee in a public restroom with other men standing on each side of him. It was not water out of the hose landing in the same place for a number of seconds type of sound.

I realized the Man using the urinal on my right, with a wall between us to our shoulders, was giving me a disapproving look. This was so funny in the moment, I broke what I imagine is a second mens bathroom taboo.

I started chuckling. Well, not really loud, but kind of quietly to myself though I am sure the man with the disapproving look could hear without much trouble.

The man’s sideways glance of disapproval became one of either contempt or hostility as he heard me chuckle and saw me smile. I wasn’t sure which face he was trying to make, they both are serious.

For whatever reason the man on my left also noticed the changing pattern of sounds coming from my stall at the urinal. He too was glancing at me with a surprised look.

Perhaps this second man thought I was mentally challenged, or I had some unknown condition where the garden hose was wavering in its attempt to water the bottom of the urinal. Palsy maybe, or worse.

We Men are sometimes boys in adult bodies.

I didn’t sound very masculine. Probably childish really. You know the sound urine makes on those those almost heart shaped things that look like something you could wipe mud off of your feet if it were on the floor. I didn’t sound like that at all standing at my urinal.

My thoughts collected and back to the present, I thought how amazing. I have broken some male bathroom etiquette I did not even know existed until the moment I committed this horrendous act!

I tried to imagine when the last time the man on my right with the scowl plastered across his face had allowed himself to have something resembling simple mindless fun? Has he ever enjoyed a spontaneous moment of unscheduled funny? Does he even know what fun is?

I have never been a serious person. Though I must say my few seconds of wild abandon standing at a urinal, still brings a smile to my face. Though I doubt I would share this story with just anyone who came along. They probably wouldn’t understand it or see the humor.

With the exception of camping trips, or something of the like, we men pretend to be grown up and mature, when really we are the same kids we always were, only in adult bodies. We trained ourselves to be mature. Upholding certain unspoken values, such as peeing with haught in a public bathroom.

People, as in adults, should learn that no matter how hard we try, we are not really the adults we pretend to be. We put on these masks and try to act as we think we should. Or at least we men do. I think women are in the same quandary too, but I don’t know how women act when around only other women.

The next time you catch yourself daydreaming in a public restroom, be careful, you might offend someone, who never had a childhood.

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